Alex Smith's Balls

So it's been about 2 months since i've posted here, and you'll have to forgive me. With the Broncos struggling, the Cardinals being painfully predictable (going 4-2 in their conference but 6-10 overall, hurting Matt Leinart for the season, etc.) and a girl winning my football pool, well there just hasn't been a lot to go on. Besides, my other two blogs are keeping my pretty busy. But the main reason is that i've been working a lot of nights which keeps me from being in front of my TV watching and commenting on the sports action as it takes place. Hopefully that will be over soon.

Well anyway it's a busy and hilarious day in sports today as Mike Tyson was arrested for cocaine posession after almost getting into an accident with a cop at Indian School and Drinkwater in Scottsdale. I work in that area and drive through that intersection almost daily and knowing that Mike Tyson was within 50 miles of me, well, it kinda freaks me out a little. And i think the first 15 seconds of this video explains why:



This, i also found interesting from Fox Sports Week 17 Preview:
The San Francisco Chronicle reported last week that an NFL rule change allows each team to bring a dozen balls with them to away games for use on offense. The balls must be examined by a referee, but they can be doctored to some extent to remove the slick waterproofing from their surface. Smith and Niners equipment supervisor Steve Urbaniak give Smith's balls a good working over during the week, running them under some water, scrubbing them with a brush, and drying them with a towel. "I'll go through them and check them to where they're feeling decent," Smith said of the process. "From Alex's standpoint, he's very happy with it,'' Urbaniak said. "It gives him confidence going in knowing he doesn't have to worry about it."

Smith isn't the only one who is happy after a thorough ball-buffing. Frank Gore had some fumbling problems early in the year. But Gore doesn't seem to have any trouble holding onto Smith's balls. The Broncos, who come from the capital of ball-doctoring, may want to keep Jay Cutler's balls in a humidor so the rookie's passes don't sail on him. But the Broncos backs and receivers may have trouble grasping soggy balls.

No word on if he uses Gold Bond or regular Talcum to condition his balls.

Now we know who gave it to Paris harder

Wow…just wow. There are no words to explain what just happened on Monday Night Football. Actually, there are thousands. Anyone who has lived in this valley for the last ten years or more shouldn’t have been surprised. Anyone who has been a fan of football shouldn’t have been surprised. In fact anyone who has had a pulse for the last 26 years should not have been surprised. Still, despite its inevitability, it was a disheartening -- if not suicidal -- national window into the worst franchise in all of professional sports.
And the only people I feel sorry for are the people who actually tried. Sunday night, as the Bronco’s lucked their way past the always-beaten Oakland Raiders, I watched LaMont Jordan fumble on a big drive and then literally try to tear his teeth out of his face because he was so upset about giving the game away. I mean, I’ve never seen a football player this genuinely upset. And I have to imagine that there are maybe 3 players on the Cardinals that felt like that after last night. Leinart, Boldin and James. Leinart should be upset, the guy played a perfect game, he was smart, made good decisions, kept his team in the game, never gave up and did everything in his power to allow the Cardinals to win that game. Same goes for Boldin, who played his ass off and stepped up in Larry Fitzgerald’s place and made it happen. James should be upset because i’m betting that he woke up this morning wishing he could take the league minimum to be back with the Colts. Neil Rackers should maybe be upset because the kicker is always the goat but it isn’t even close to his fault. Would they have won if he came through? Yes. Did they lose because he didn’t? No.
I feel bad for those players because they’ve come into an organization and tried to change the culture of it. But losing big games, blowing easy leads and making incredibly stupid decisions are embedded so deep in the culture of that franchise that it’ll take more than those few guys to change it. A win last night would have helped immensely. Instead, I’m going to pick the Raiders to get their first win of the season next week against a trashed Cardinals spirit.
Watching that game last night, when they had to settle for field goals in the first half instead of scoring one, or maybe even two more touchdowns and putting the game really out of reach, I had a feeling that there was no way the Cardinals could hold that lead. I kept saying, “They’re going to blow it. They’re going to find a way to screw this up.” And they did, because that’s what I’ve come to expect. When it was 23-10, I knew that the Bears only needed two touchdowns, and I knew how easy those scores would be to get against that team. And it happened in the most ludicrous and heartbreaking ways possible. Defensive touchdowns and a special teams play. You’re not supposed to lose games like that. If the Bear’s offense comes to life and gets a few scores, then you can say that the Bears were a better team and they rebounded and went and won that football game. But that didn’t happen. They Cardinals gift-wrapped it for them and left it on their doorstep. You can’t give away a game better than that. Marty Schottenheimer is probably jealous, because not even Marty gives a game away like that.
The talking heads are calling the Bears a “team of destiny” because they get paid to spew bullshit and hyperbole of that magnitude. But it’s hard to argue that the Bears weren’t destined to win that game. Their first play from scrimmage was a long bomb to Bernard Berrian that Grossman missed by about 2 steps. If they hit that pass and break the Cardinal’s backs from play #1, then we’re not even having this conversation. The Bears were supposed to win that game and they did. It’s like the Cardinals knew it all along and just couldn’t convince themselves otherwise.
Matt Leinart will be a great NFL quarterback. I just hope the Cardinals don’t let him leave with such a rattle in his skull about losing that he never shakes it. Why is Jake Plummer accident prone? Why is he gun shy? I blame the Cardinals.
Sometimes you can’t get that voice of losing out of your head. I just hope Matty Leinart manages to avoid it.

Live Blog of A's - Tigers, Game 2

5:22 - Why don't the A's open the upper deck? Has anyone addressed this? That makes about as much sense as starting Neifi Perez in an ALCS. Oh wait.

5:23 - And as if to prove a point, Neifi immediately strikes out on 3 pitches.

5:26 - Esteban DUIza gets the Tigers 1,2,3 to start the game.

5:30 - Verlander is from Manakin Sabot, Virginia. What do you think they called it for short? Because you know they didn't call it that.

5:32 - Everyone's favorite board game maker, Milton Bradley, just blooped a broken bat single. 1-0 Athletics.

5:34 - We just had out first Balk of the playoffs!

5:36 - The Big Hurt just got blown away on fastballs. He looked older than Jesse Orosco on those swings.

5:42 - They just showed the Tommy Lasorda commercial where he's trying to coax the Cubs fan out of the tree. The fans wife says he's been up there since his team was eliminated from post season play. So he's been in the tree since June? (Neifi should be up in the tree with that guy. Not playing tonight.)

5:43 - When did Pudge stop being pudgy? When Giambi lost weight like that, he had to "apologize" for it.

5:46 - My fantasy all-star shortstop comes across the plate to tie it 1-1. For anyone wondering, i finally beat my friend Danny this year after a 4 year losing streak. My football team is about to make a come back too.

5:48 - Little John is now doing Subway commercials? Do they have Crunk Juice in the soda fountain now? And i think i already asked this but when did John Lovitz come out of the closet? One day he's "The Critic" the next he's the effeminate director of Subway commercials?

5:50 - Steve Lyons is about to catch McCarver in meaningless comments. I mean, i know the guy dropped his pants standing on 1st during a game but just stop talking every once in a while Steve. Or go take your pants off. Just don't talk.

5:57 - Lyons doesn't take my advice.

6:06 - After another Kotsay double, the maker of Monopoly drives a ball deep to the right field stands. 3-1 Oakland.

6:13 - The ManPerm that is Magglio Ordonez singles after Polanco. Detroit has 1st and 2nd no outs with the fantasy assassin Carlos Guillen coming up...And he strikes out.

6:15 - I knew that Chris Shelton wasn't on the post-season roster but remember when he hit 12 home runs in May? Seems like forever ago.

6:18 - Tigers have bases juiced with 1 out. Marilyn Monroe's son is up. (No really. Craig Monroe's mom was name Marilyn. I'm not making this up.) Monroe singles up the middle. 3-2 A's.

6:22 - Chavez just pulled an A-Rod. E5, Tigers score 2. 4-3 Tigers. Then a sac fly by Unbeatable Inge, 5-3.

6:31 - The only time i like Steve Lyons is when he makes fun of how bad he was when he played. That's funny. Now if we could just teach Sean Salisbury.

6:34 - Verlander is getting better as the game goes on. This doesn't bode well for the A's.

6:37 - Scutaro just got flattened by a 98 mph fastball. That was some serious chin music. They told Verlander to throw that one at the bull.

6:58 - Why is Frank Thomas swinging first pitch? Did he fall asleep and wake up on the Dbacks?

7:04 - Monroe is killing Loaiza tonight. Kendall even came out to discuss it with him.


7:06 - It's time for Loaiza to come out, or get drunk, or drive his car at reckless speeds. But his time for pitching is over. 7-3 Tigers.

7:09 - Hey, the creepy Joe Buck commercial just played. Thanks for the name guys.

7:12 - Chavez just interrupted Chris Meyer's speech about Corey Lidle with a bomb to centerfield. 7-4 Tigers. And i was trying to avoid the Lidle thing, but damn that's sad. I watched the news about the plane crash all morning and didn't find out that it was Corey Lidle until i turned on SportsCenter at 4. It's pretty shocking to say the least and I'm sure it'll be a storyline for quite a while to come.

7:19 - Lyons just said something about Jim Leyland making sure Verlander left the game with confidence by "giving him a slap on the rear-end." Alright sister, whatever you say.

7:24 - Why there isn't a take sign with a 3-1 count, down by 3 for the A's. I'll never know. Just popped out to end the inning.

7:35 - If i ever own a Nissan Versa, I'm driving it off a bridge and i don't even care if I'm in it or not.

7:40 - This game has completely gone dead. I wonder if players on playoff teams, especially the ones who had multiple game leads in their divisions all year, get so used to mailing in the late innings --whether they're leading or not -- that they do the same in the playoffs. The A's are only down three...wait scratch that...only down 2 because Milton Bradley took time off from playing Sorry to just annihilate another ball to left center. I mean that one was crushed. OK, back to my point. With the exception of Bradley, it seems to me like the other A's are just waving at pitches, giving up on at-bats and otherwise playing like they've already lost this game. I mean, they're in this game. Let's see how Frank does. I might let them off the hook.

7:45 - The Big hurt looks like he takes practice swings with a huge piece of rebar wrapped in tape. I'm serious, whatever they just showed him with looked like rebar from a skyscraper. It was a couple inches thick. Anyway, it didn't help. He struck out and is now wearing the golden sombrero for the evening. Thanks for the help big guy. Of all the guys to carry this team, Milton Bradley? Really? You know you're in trouble if you're an A's fan.

7:52 - Craig Monroe just crushed a ball that missed the left-field foul pole by maybe a foot. Next pitch, he strikes out. Cruel game this baseball.

7:54 - I've seen girls in my company beer league softball games that field their position better than D'angelo Jimenez.

8:04 - Rodney just fanned the side. A's are down to their last 3 outs. Nick Swisher just had one of the ugliest at-bats since Steve Lyons played the game.

8:08 - Getting insurance can be expensive and overwhelming to many people. Curtis Granderson gets his with one swing. 8-5 Tigers.

8:21 - The A's get their first non-Milton Bradley related hit of the game. Kendall on first with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th.

8:23 - Kotsay has full count...gotta get bradley to the plate...Kotsay singles....Bradley the assassin comes to the plate as the tying run. We got a ball game.

8:26 - Bradley runs out a dribbler and the bases are loaded. Wow. Big Hurt is up with a chance to be a hero.

8:27 - Pops it up. Game.

Well that was exciting. First game of the NLDS tomorrow. A's down 0-2. Not good for them, but how much of Detroit are they going to burn down if they win this series? Can't wait.

Michigan State Radio Show

This is old, but you probably haven't heard it. This is a recording of a host on Michigan State talk radio becoming about as agitated as humanly possible. Some of it is pretty uncomfortable, but definitely hilarious.

It's long, but it's worth it.

If you're reading this and you don't know, i'm a Broncos fan. I was born in Denver, my family is all from Denver, my grandpa was in the first 1,000 people to stand in line in 1969 to buy tickets. My credentials are in order.

So this might seem like a total homer post, but really it's just to point out the fact that Michael Irvin is retarded (which is really offensive to retarded people, because most of them are smarter...). I've known it for a while, but it seems that his co-hosts are starting to get super, super frustrated about it. And what makes it amazing is that in the first clip, not even Stu "I can't talk street" Scott even calls him out on it and Stu is the kind of guy who probably wants to be accepted by his own race so badly that he would agree with a guy like Irvin no matter what. Well congratulation Stu, you stood up for something and you gained 3 points in my book, which brings you up to 3 points in my book. Keep up the good work.

So anyway, this clip is from the Broncos - Raven monday night game, when the Broncos won. Irvin's top 5 teams in the AFC contains the Patriots and the Ravens, both of whom...you guessed it, the Broncos have beaten. Somehow, the Broncos aren't on his list. And really, it makes me look really forward to the days when another current psychotic Cowboys reciever will inevitably make regular appearances on various ESPN shows.

Irvin needs to stop doing drugs



Are You Retarded?

Yup. TJ thinks he's retarded.

I didn’t get to watch any of it because I was in the boonies for the weekend, but from the sound of it the Yankees just got annihilated and the Tigers have regained a bit of their former swagger.
I really enjoy it when the Yankees lose and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to see it in person. I’m really excited for a winter full of A-Rod trade rumors (and maybe even an actual trade) and Steinbrenner rants in the media. I don’t think he’ll fire Torre but I wouldn’t be completely surprised by that either (I wrote the previous sentence on Sunday, and have since then learned that yes, Torre is fired. But placing him withLou Pinella? The guy's a great manager, i just don't see him as a Yankee's manager.).

I recently read the Tom Verducci story about A-Rod that surprised so many people because of what Giambi said, but it’s totally hilarious now. Giambi said something along the lines of how A-Rod doesn’t know who he is and that we would find out a lot about him in the coming months…So A-Rod responded to his critics by going 1-14 (.071) and had no RBIs for the second post-season in a row. I love him. His ineptitude is quickly making him one of my favorite baseball players around. Wouldn’t it be great if he ended up as a DBack or even a Rockie and just killed it in the NL West? Ha ha. Good stuff. And with the Rangers, and now probably the Yankees still paying that ridiculous contract, a small team could probably get him for .30 cents on the dollar. It could happen.

I’m impressed with the A’s for finally clinching a series. These guys look pretty strong and I’m sure it was a big monkey off of their backs to finally clinch one. The Tigers look better, the Cards don’t look completely horrible, and the Padres/Dodgers contingent will probably go quietly into the October night. (And by Monday morning, this had also come true. That's what i get for not posting immediately after i write something..)

More when more happens.

I can't do a completel live blog for this morning's Twins-A's game because, hey, i have a job interview. I know, big surprise.

So i'll make some quick comments during the first hour, the first of which is, "A guy named Boof, is not going to win a playoff game while pitching. It just can't happen. When Boof wins a playoff game, he'll strike out Choo Freeman 3 times."

10:08 - Boof is attacking hitters says Ron Gardenhire. Apparently Boof's original name was John, but he legally changed it to Boof during the 2001 season. Yet the sideline reporter has no answers for us as to why he did this?

10:14 - The announcers need to call him just Boof. Stop calling him by his last name. NOW.

10:17 - Loaiza didn't pitch well at the beginning of the year and according to our crack staff of announcers, it's because of 8 IP against Canada in the WBC. Sure, and he also pitched extremely well the night after his DUI arrest, which they fail to mention.

10:20 - I'm already tired of "Mauer Power." It sounds like something little Joey would have written on a poster while running for class president in middle school.

10:30 - Eric Chavez is Kit Keller for League of Their Own. Just struck out on 3 high fastballs.

10:34 - Boof has 3 strikeouts. What a silly world we live in.

10:36 - I'm just happy that we have two guys in that show "The Nine" that had former careers in TV. Joe from Wings, and the Fox kid from Party of Five. Well done guys.

10:42 - Tommy Lasorda in a sorority house kinda scares me.

10:46 - Boof was nickname from his grandparents. It's the top of the 3rd and this is the first time this is mentioned? Announcing sucks.

10:51 - On MLB Baseball for playstation2, Justin Morneau was the highest rated prospect you could draft. And he just showed why with a lightning fast double play. Gardenhire just used the words "attacking" and "Boof" in the same sentence again.

Alright i'm off. I'll be back for the next game.

Alright, i gave in. I live for sports way too much, and i have too much time on my hands to not do a blog about sports. Over the last few months i have enjoyed reading sports blogs like Deadspin.com and Kissing Suzy Kolber so much that i just can't help but lend my own voice to the madness.

So the standard rules will apply. Mainly MBFY.

I'm going to jump in with both feet and live blog the rest of the Yankees game. And then i'm going to teach myself HTML. I don't know which one will take longer...baaazzzziinnnggg.

5:56 - I have 5 beers in the fridge. That might not be enough. We'll see.

5:57 - The sweet sound of this blog's name is doing the play-by-play for this game and i'll take this time to mention my muse. That Holiday Inn commercial with the 3 guys touching his neck is so damn uncomfortable and so homo-erotic. Who green-lighted that idea? And Joe Buck had to stand there and shoot that scene. I knew he was a dweeb but come on. Have some dignity. i would rather watch the VW Crash commercials.

5:59 - Brandon Inge is up to bat, and may have the sweetest facial hair since Nate Brocious. Baby face, freshly shaven and just one extra long soul patch. And i think his head is shaven too. So that may be the only hair he has on his body.

6:02 - Tim McCarver just said that a 3rd base coach is much like an offensive coordinator in football. Yeah Tim, except that a 3rd base coach is responsible for 20-21 fewer people. I should have named this blog "Killing Tim McCarver", in honor of Danny, who hates Tim McCarver.

6:13 - Have i mentioned that i despise that Yankees? Just wanted to make sure we were clear on that point.

6:13 - Abreu just ripped a double that scores Johnny Judas and Jeter. 2-0 Yanks.

6:15 - Gary Sheffield, of weirdest batting stance this side of Craig Counsell fame, just singled in Abreu, 3-0 yanks.

6:19 - Boy the all-steroid team came to play tonight. Giambi home run makes it 5-0.

6:23 - McCarver brings up the Orlando Hernandez was supposed to start game 1 for the Mets tomorrow before he pulled his calf working out today. How does a guy get traded by the dbacks for nothing, and then start game 1 of the ALDS? It's called the Arizona Rule. A guy leaves any team in Arizona, he'll automatically get better. Michael Pittman, Thomas Jones, Simeon Rice, Junior Spivey, Lyle Overbay, Dan Uggla, Jake Plummer, even Tom Tupa at one point left the Cardinals and endud up as a punter in the Super Bowl. There are a ton more, i just can't think of all of them right now.

6:34 - This game is so boring that Buck has resorted to looking around Yankee stadium for famous people. It's only the top of 4. I don't know how much more i can take.

6:41 - Behind Joe Torre's head is a book that has a large Tiger's logo and says "Dugout Book." Huh???

6:43 - Jeter just got caught up in a hit and run in which Abreu couldn't hit because the ball was on his chin. Most exciting moment of the last 30 minutes.

6:46 - Hey Craig Monroe hits a homerun over Judas' head and puts the Tigers on the board. 5-1.

6:48 - Craig Monroe apparently has a mother named Marilyn who is paralyzed from the waist down. This is why i watch baseball. For the backstories.

6:52 - 5-2 Tigers...yawwwwwnn. Although McCarver thinks it's terribly exciting having just said, "The Tigers are right back in this thing." Sure Tim. Also, Sean Casey is the nicest man in all of sports. Joe Buck is a wealth of knowledge.

6:54 - The nicest guy in sports just got himself an RBI. 2-run game. This would be the first time since 2004 that Tim McCarver was right. We'll see.

6:55 - Brian Bruney, formerly of the Dbacks, is warming up for the Yankees. Which means he'll be shutting off this rally real quick.

7:02 - Giambi got beaned to bring up A-Rod. This has double-play written all over it.

7:03 - Or a strike-out. Ha. The blog world is calling him Mr. May, because he just kills it in the regular season and then just bites the big one come games that acutally matter.

7:09 - McCarver just refered to Carlos Guillen's steadily increasing batting average "a gathering storm." In the next pitch, Chein - Ming Wang threw an inside pitch and McCarver said he couldn't get away with the pitch again. So Wang threw the same exact pitch for another strike. Good work Tim. And then he made fun of himself for being wrong. That's an improvement.

7:16 - The Departed looks like a flat awesome movie. Even the Boston accents aren't bad.

7:17 - I like the Tommy LaSorda commercials where he yells at people for not watching baseball because their favorite team is not in the playoffs, but if i know anything about Fox, i'll be seeing them a few too many thousand times between now and November.

7:22 - Jeter is 4 for 4 and everyone in NY still hates A-Rod.

7:31 - Joe Buck likes Tommy's commercials too. He has to. Compared to his, Carl's Jr. commercials are good.

7:32 - Mike friggin Meyers is warming up in the Yankees bullpen! The Yankees must know the AZ Rule. Although, it can't possibly apply to Mike Myers can it? We're about to find out.

7:36 - Ha Ha. I actually wanted to write, "And he immediately gives up a home run!" Just out of habit, but i didn't. And i should have, because he immediately served up a tater to Curtis Granderson. Brilliant.

7:45 - Mike Meyers or not, the Tigers won't go away. It's 7-4 with runners on the corners and Mags representing the tying run at the plate. Man i hope this gets interesting.

7:47 - But no.

8:00 - ZZZZZZZZ. ZZZZZZZZZZZ.

8:05 - If anyone is going to give this game back to the Tigers, it'll be Kyle Farnsworth. Buck just called his stuff "electric" and yeah, when the Cubs don't even want you, that must be some "electric" stuff. And he makes me look smart by issuing a 4-pitch walk.

8:07 - Man, how many batteries, pill bottles and ab machines are the people of Philly going to throw at T.O. on Sunday? I can't even wait.

8:16 - Here comes Rivera. Boring. I'm over it. So much for the first live blog. It'll take some practice. In the mean time, since when is John Lovitz gay?

8:22 - Jeter blasts a home run, as if to say, "Here, hate A-Rod a little more." And he sticks it in the proverbial keister of the Tigers. Goodnight.